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January, 2003 |
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No laughing Matter |
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Ministerspeak by
Madan Lamsal During the Panchayat era the ministers were supposed to possess at least one quality, and that was the ability to make speech on any topical issue of the day. For example, they were supposed not to forget to mention few sentences about the popular slogans of that time like Basic Needs, Poverty Alleviation, Asian Standard of Living etc. At one time, the ministers then were also expected to deny in their every speech that the powdered milk used by DDC was not contaminated from the radioactive material that leaked out from the Chernobyl nuclear power plant in the then soviet Union. If for any reason the ministers forgot to say something about those things while giving speeches, it was incumbent upon the state journalists, i.e. those working in the government-owned media like RSS, Gorkhapatra, Nepal TV and Radio Nepal to include something as per the official line about these topical issues while reporting the speeches of the ministers. One of the editors of the government media had to leave the job just because he dared to fail to mention such points in his report about the speech of a minister. But in today’s democratic era, the journalists need not worry. The ministers have become so professional in their approaches that the journalists don’t need to take notes of the minister’s speeches. Everything is available in writing because the ministers have developed the habit of giving written speeches. Sometimes, the copy of the speech is available even before the minister reaches the podium. That makes it lot easier to the journalists. Here is such a copy of a speech by one of the ministers that this scribe accidentally laid his hands on, though unfortunately (or you can also say ‘fortunately’) the minister did not actually read it out for reason unknown: “Dear businessmen and women! Thank you for inviting me to speak ‘two words’. But since I cannot express my feelings only in two words, I will speak for two hours. You must listen as you have no alternative. I’m the chief guest here, mind you. Now it is a well-established reality that we ministers have become indispensable creatures in the public functions. No workshops/seminars will start or conclude without us gracing the inaugural or closing ceremony. My special thanks are due especially to the business community as you have very steadfastly observed it as your fundamental duty to host receptions in honor of the ministers. Now you must be happy that there are three members in the present council of ministers from your community. Therefore, it was imperative for you to become among the first to hold the reception for us. At this point I would also like to remind you that it is the business community itself which is the giver of the bribes and thus has been causing the corruption to grow. I don’t need to tell you who the taker is. Obvious things do not need to be explained. I know that you people used to criticize the ministers in the past for attending receptions and making speeches. But in practice, you people have always been very loyal to the ministers. Therefore, you have never forgotten to invite one of us as the chief guest in the functions that you organise. You have never missed the opportunity to hear us. That’s why you never start your program before we arrive. But we ministers wait the television people to arrive. As you know, if the TV doesn’t project our faces everyday on the screen, our family members will be disappointed, and we don’t want to disappoint anybody. You people are always demanding privatization of public enterprises. And I am also in favour of privatization. You can take all the public enterprises under my ministry for one and a half billion rupees each, provided of course that you take out the cash right now and pay. You will get the receipt, do not worry. At the end, I reassure that you will have this continued opportunity to listen to the speeches made by us in the days to come. Jay Des, Jay Naresh!” |
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