"First they killed my father"

Loung Ung remembers in her book titled ‘First they killed my father.’ Loung’s world disintegrated when she was barely five years old. At the age of eight she began training as a child soldier and was subjected to brainwashing, by the savage reign of Khmer Rouge, under Pol Pot in Cambodia. When the soldiers came for her father, a former member of the Cambodian Royal Secret Service under Prince Sihanouk, the family separated to survive. The second youngest of the eight children of her family, Loung was forced to face the fact that half her family perished due to execution, starvation or disease. She used her hatred and anger towards the perpetrators of crime into a fierce will to survive. In 1980, she, her brother and his wife, joined thousands of other boat people who were smuggled into Vietnam. After months in a refugee camp, they emigrated to the USA and settled in Vermont. Today, Loung is the national spokesperson for the Campaign for a land mine Free World, a programme of the Vietnam Veterans of America Foundation (VVAF). She says, “As I tell people about genocide, I get the opportunity to redeem myself. I’ve had the chance to do something that’s worth my being alive.” Loung was in Kathmandu some time back, to attend the Asia-Pacific conference, ‘Coalition to stop the use of child soldiers’.

Petite and pretty she comes across as a delicate lady, till you shake her hands. Once you feel the iron grip of her tiny hands and feel the penetrating steady gaze on you, you understand that this is no ordinary woman. This is a woman who lived through fire and hell, survived it all and now is a transformed woman with a purpose in another life time. For, it is another life for everyone of us when we come out of a maze of suffering and hardships and begin anew - yet the memories are there to stay. This written interview with the amazing lady was taken after she left Nepal; by Sushma Amatya of The Independent. The excerpts:

Q. Which incidence stands out the most, in your memory, of the years that you spent as a child soldier?

A. I don’t think there’s any one incidence that stood out any more than the other.  The one that stays in my mind very clearly to this day is the memory of the brainwashing; besides the physical training which was very easy for me. I was trained to use guns, knives, sticks. The hardest part was the brain washing every day. We sat for many hours, sometime four to five hours listening to propaganda about the enemies, the traitors; about all those people who wanted us dead, who wanted to kill us, who hated us because we were the future of the Khmer society.  Those words stayed with me. It took me a long time to believe that people don’t want to hurt me.

Q. What kept you going? How did you survive?

A. What kept me going was my memories of my family.  There were many times when it was hard for me to go on, to fight to live another day, to take that extra step in the forest to look for food. There were times when I thought death would have been a welcome friend. However, I knew how much my parents and family sacrificed so that I could live.  I could not betray them and die without a fight.  I did not want them to feel the pain of losing me. 

How I survived was a matter of luck.   I should have been dead so many times.  I was a child in a war, an orphan with nowhere to go, no one to protect me. I have walked away from attempted rape, from soldiers’ bullets, from mine fields.. Yet through it all, I lived.  I think all this was possible because I was very lucky. 

 I fought to live. That was another important reason behind my survival. When I was hungry, I didn’t give up.. I went to look for food.  When I wanted to die, I didn’t give up.. I thought about my family and fought to live.

Q. Do you believe in god?

A. No.  When the soldiers came for my father, I was seven years old.  I prayed all those days for the gods to bring my father back. I told the gods that I would become a nun, I would be good, .. my father never came back.  I found out he was killed.  I lost my faith then.

Q. Have you been able to forgive those who wronged you? Do you blame anybody?

A. I don’t think you can forgive those crimes.  I will never forget the war and because it’s always on my mind, always hurting me, I cannot forgive.  But I have learned to deal with the events of my past, to live life beyond mere surviving. 

Whom can one blame for such crimes against humanity?  I certainly hold the Khmer Rouge leaders responsible for their crimes, I hold the U.S. responsible for the bombing of Cambodia, I hold the Chinese responsible for the guns they gave to the Khmer Rouge.  In the end, for the direct act of executions, starvation, genocide, I hold the Khmer Rouge leaders responsible for killing its own people.

Q. What can parents, communities do to prevent children from becoming involved in conflicts?

A. I think first and foremost, children need to have their basic needs met.. such as food, shelter, clothing and education.   After that, we need to raise children in a community of tolerance and kindness. We need to teach compassion in school, not just war games. 

I think when children are cared for, loved, and know that they are safe, they are less likely to want to be violent.

In all my years of experience of working with troubled youth, I have never met one who went into conflict because they were bored, had nothing better to do, or just because it’s cool.  They entered in a conflict situation because they were hurt, afraid, abused and threatened. 

Q. What message do you have for the world - for the leaders, politicians and the general public regarding the issue of children in conflict?

A. That children are not born evil.   Children need to be protected.  If we don’t protect them now, what future will we and they have?

Q. Would you tell us briefly how you managed to escape Khmer Rouge and how you reached where you are today?

A. When the Vietnamese invaded Cambodia in 1979, I escaped from my camp.  I was eventually reunited with my surviving siblings.  In 1980, my brother and I escaped by boat to Thailand and sought refuge in the UN refugee camp there.  In late 1980, we were sponsored to America by a church group as part of the refugee resettlement program.

Q. How do you deal with all the psychological scars, the loneliness - if there are any?

A. I have many wonderful friends and family.  I’m too busy to be lonely.  As for the scars.. they are always there.  For me the biggest healing factor is my work.  To know that I am contributing in my small way to make Cambodia, and hence our world, hopefully, just a little better to live in, makes me feel very happy.  

Q. Tell us about your present work as the national spokesperson for the Campaign for a Landmine free world?

A. As a spokesperson, I travel around the U.S. to schools, universities, forums and talk about land mines in our world.  My mission is to increase awareness of the deadly destructions of land mines.. and how, many years after a war has ended, where land mines still exist, the war continues.  In countries such as Cambodia, Mozambique, Angola, Sierra Leon, Loas.. their war continues because of land mines.

Q. What is your impression on the status of women in Asia?

A. I think women are climbing up in the world.  Albeit, very slowly in all parts of the world, especially in Asia.  But we have come a long way... as more money and funds are being allocated to further girls education, the world is realizing that the other half of the human race (women) are neither weaker or more stupid than the other.  I’m proud of the progress women have made so far in our world..  I am enthusiastic that we’ll continue to leave our mark in the future as women.

Q. Did you like Nepal?

A. I loved Nepal.  Though I saw very little of it during my brief stay, I was overwhelmed with the grand beauty of it all.   Being born a Buddhist, I was especially happy to be in Nepal for Buddha’s birthday.  My father and mother were very devout Buddhists.. I thought of them often during my stay there and how they were able to be there through me.  They would have loved Nepal.

Q. What do you think is the most important thing in a person’s life?

A. I think, we should realize that what we do in life now will echo through eternity.  I saw this line written somewhere....   To me it says it all.

The most important thing in my life is to be an honest, decent person.  Someone who strives to live life with grace and dignity.  Someone who will take care of her/his family and environment.