COVER STORY (Spotlight Weekly)

A Social Burden?

Quite opposite the age-old saying that marriages are made in heaven, the wedding ceremonies in the contemporary Nepalese society has become an exacting episode of lavish display -- often conducted by taking loans. Middle class and lower middle class families spend almost all their life-long savings in a bid to save their "social status". Such wedding rituals have become one of the sectors where Nepalese are spending their entire savings. In this backdrop, nobody seems wiser about whose duty is it to initiate the social reform?

By KESHAB POUDEL

Dhan Bahadur Thapa, 54, a resident of Devitar village of Nuwakot district spent Rs. 18,000 to conduct wedding ceremony of his 16-year-old daughter. To perform the marriage, he used the money borrowed to buy a buffalo from the Agriculture Development Bank (ADB). "I had to use the loan amount because I did not have enough money," said Thapa, father of two daughters. "It will take me another two or three years to pay back my loan through other means."

Shree Krishna Shrestha, 65, a father of one son and two daughters, had spent all his life saving money to marry-off his children. "I have to organize lavish ceremonies to retain my social status and maintain my ego. When all of my relatives and neighbors have been organizing such ceremonies, how can I alone avoid it?" asked Shrestha. Shrestha, a retired non-gazetted official, has already sold out his one ropani land for the purpose.

Sambhu Krishna, (name changed) coughed up three million rupees to perform weddings of his two daughters. Sambhu, a senior bureaucrat living in Lalitpur, gave away Maruti Car each for his two daughters as dowry. "It was a simple affair compared to what I have seen around. I only invited about 2000 guests," said Shrestha.

These three cases are typical examples to show how our traditional rituals are getting commercialized and how much our middle class mentality has changed to associate lavish weddings with social status and prestige. The cases of higher class elites including businessmen are altogether different.

In a recent wedding of Prince Paras Shah, the son of His Royal Highness Prince Gyanendra, it was reported that the marriage expenses crossed over 125 million rupees.

Last week alone Shankar Golyan - a gold businessman spent more than 50 million rupees in his son's wedding, which incidently was canceled at the last minute.

According to sociologists, marriage is an institution that creates families but today it has become a means to exchange money and human between two families. Such is the mentality that parents of bride think more gifts (read dowry) they offer, better will be the life of their daughters.

Particularly, the family of bride has to bear the brunt of wedding cost. They have to provide jewelry and money as gift. These days families of brides giving away expensive gifts like television, motorcycles and even cars are not uncommon. The condition is further worse in terai region. Here, families of bridegroom openly ask for "tilak" -- often high amounts of cash, as a precondition for the marriage. Better educated the men, higher the amount for Tilak. Doctors and engineers have a large "market value" often fetching millions of rupees.

The emergence of dowry and Tilak culture has also invited a disturbing trend. Incidents of newly wed brides being burnt alive by families of bridegroom are frequent in Terai region. Mostly these innocent girls are killed because their parents fail to deliver the promised amount or gift to their in-laws.

Even in hilly regions, the dowry system is creeping in. As well-off families provide costly gifts, poor parents of the same community are forced to sell their lands and other properties to be able to compete with them.

In the backdrop of such social distortions, the authorities seem mere spectator as no action has been taken to check this. Social Reform Act 1976 lays down ceratin restrictions on social rituals. The clause 11, 12 and 13 speaks about the maximum number of invitees, volume of gifts and other decorative items. The clause 15 of the act authorizes Chief District Officer (CDO)to demand details about marriage ceremony and the expenditure with the families concerned.

But after the passage of 24 years, neither any one has submitted the details of marriage ceremony nor any CDO demanded such requirements. After hearing a public litigation by advocate Keshab Raj Pandey, a division bench of apex court had issued mandamus to all concerned authorities to implement the act.

Despite the court order, the social practice goes unchecked and authorities seem unaware about the decision of Supreme Court taken by the bench of justice Laxman Prasad Aryal and Krishna Kumar Burma.

A bride : Joining new family

"As long as society itself does not oppose the practice (of lavish ceremonies), it is not possible to reform the present system. It needs a strong backing by community to end such social maladies," said a sociologist.

According to sociologists, there is no proof that presenting large amount of money can guarantee harmonious relations between the two newly weds. The false assumption, however, continues to dominate the social mentality.

Even in this modern age, the families of bride still remain a weaker side in "marriage business." Along with well-qualified and economically productive daughters, parents have to pay almost all their savings to plead the bride-groom.

"I don't understand the rationale behind giving up such a hefty sum of gifts along with daughters," said a woman on condition of anonymity. "Presenting daughter itself is a great sacrifice."

No one is ready to look at the reality. Traditional value system and new acts have made some restrictions on volumes of gifts and limited the number of invitees in marriage and other rituals. But everyone violates them and spends more money because of false assumption that big ceremonies enhance their social status.

Hindu religion, too, prevents/opposes giving unnecessary gifts and commercialization of marriage. "Donating virgin daughter is regarded as one of the most sacred ritual. According to Hindu religion, a man who donates virgin girl is assured of a place in heaven," said Dr. Rishi Ram Pokharel, who teaches astrology at Balmiki Campus. "Our religion stresses on marriage between grooms and brides and it does not speak about exchanging gifts."

Models displaying weadding attire : Getting more expensive

Then, what has inspired families to offer extravagant gifts and organize opulent ceremonies. Psychologists say that it is a reflection of insecure psychology on the part of brides' parents. Due to this complex, they offer gifts and money to groom and his relatives asking them to take care of their daughters.

"Brides' sides want mental assurance that their daughter receive social respect and recognition in grooms' families. That is why more gifts are given to groom and his relatives," said psychologist Dr. Murari Raj Sharma, who teaches psychology at Tribhuwan University.

Despite the exchange of gifts, many marriages have broken up and violence against women continue to rise. "We are receiving more and more complaints on violence against women from different regions of the country including terai," said Madhuri Singh, founding President of SAATHI, a non-governmental organization working to protect women. "We are mobilizing local communities in different districts of terai region against dowry and violence against women."

Nepal is a culturally and ethnically diverse country where every community has its own unique style of wedding ceremonies. In some communities, it is found that the families of bridegroom have to offer gifts (to parents of bride) to fix marriage.

Unfortunately, the evil practice of dowry is seeping in to almost all spheres of Nepalese society. The dowry system is getting dangerous as overwhelming section of the traditional society still continues to regard girls as inferior to boys -- they still think girls are a burden.

"Irrespective of communities, presenting lavish gifts and organizing big ceremonies has become a common phenomenon of Nepalese society," said professor Dr. Rishi Keshab Raj Regmi, an anthropology teacher at Kirtipur Campus.

The cost of wedding is getting higher and higher. The cost of setting up the Jagge (dias) and publishing invitation cards alone have gone so high that they are enough to conduct ten simple marriages. "The large sum of hard-earned money is nowadays spent in unproductive sectors like marriage, rituals and building constructions," said Dr. Raghab Dhoj Panta, former vice chairman of National Planning Commission.

Singh : For public awareness

Wedding has become a lucrative business for some. Services have diversified as have the costs. Modern musical bands have replaced the traditional ones. Herds of catering services have been opened offering different-priced dinners. Designer wedding sarees, elegant ornaments are also on offer. Even the simple invitation cards now come in classy designs. Modernism has replaced the traditional system and method making marriage an exorbitant task.

In urban area, there is a marked upward shift in the age of wedding couples these days. Most of the couples already have university degrees.

Although change elsewhere has meant reform and progress in traditional value system and human behavior, in Nepalese context, it has meant burden to parents.

Along with modern values, the society has embraced corrupt practices like seeking huge amount of money and material benefits as dowry.

Traditionally, Nepalese culture did not accept money as dowry/gifts but today almost all rich urban families prefer give away money and material benefits to tie knots with educated and wealthy families.

A modest bride family willingly give away a motorbike, at least 10 tolas of gold including chain, bracelet and rings along with other items. Rich families, naturally, lead the race providing car, gold and even house for bride-groom as gift.

The last couple of years have seen the outlook of urban Nepalese family gradually transforming from the traditional joint structure to nucleus one.

Irrespective of urban or rural area, marriage ceremony has become one of the most expensive event for Nepalese. Wedding ceremonies, particularly of daughters, is getting so costly that many middle and lower middle class families rue the event. Strangely, so deep-rooted is their attachment to false sense of social status that they give up their life's earning for a single ceremony.

According to a study, an average Nepalese parent spends Rs 400,000 (nearly 7000 US dollars) in a marriage ceremony. The amount, if seen at the backdrop of the average per capita income of Nepalese (about USD 200), is astronomical.

Hundreds of marriages are performed each day during the wedding season in accordance to date set by Hindu calendar. During the wedding session, the prices of jewelry go up.

According to the tradition, marriage ceremony is performed to cement relations between bride and groom. There will be ceremonial fire and dias decorated fully. The bride side along with daughter has to hand over gifts like gold chain, cauldron, bed, sofa, money and other ornaments. Mother-in-law, sister-in-law and other relatives of the bridegroom are given special gifts.

In fact, the expenditure of marriage begins from the very first day of fixing the event. In middle class Brahmin, Thakuri and Chhetri families, performing a wedding fixing ceremony alone may cost tens of thousands of rupees. The expenses continue even after daughters are wed-off. Time to time on several occasions, the families of bride have to provide gifts to their counterpart during the first year of the marriage.

Beauty and academic qualification of a girl does not necessarily guarantee her with "good house" what she requires in addition is the capacity of her parents to provide dowry.

Despite the widespread belief that voluminous gifts will ensure ever-lasting relationships, the cases of marriages breaking up have increased. According to district courts of Kathmandu valley, on average they receive 200 cases for divorce each year.

Marriage system in Nepal is presently caught between a strange paradox of strong attachment of traditional values and affection for the western life styles. The time has come to evaluate where our society is heading towards. The unnecessary commercialization of the purely ritual task has started taking its toll as it threatens to disturb the closely knit social fabric of this Hindu Kingdom.

Catering To Their Taste

The catering business actually took-off in the early nineties. The increasingly mechanized urban lifestyle and the lack of time among the city-dwellers invited a whole new business of catering. People gave up bringing traditional cooks to prepare wedding feasts. Those cooks were replaced by different professional catering services. Along with the cooks, the conventional dishes, too, have disappeared. The traditional feast (sit-down) has vanished making way for buffets. According to official record, there are 100 registered catering services in Kathmandu valley which offer catering services to 10,000 clients each year. Each client, in turn, invite 100 to 5,000 guests. They charge Rs. 100 (per plate) for vegetarian foods and 130 for non vegetarian food. Prices of such dinner plate increase with the taste of clients. The menu includes Chicken\fish, mutton, vegetable, bean, Chapati (roti), noodles, cauliflower, salad, paneer and sweets.

Cost Of Gifts

Double Bed -- Rs 5000 (for ordinary) to Rs 15000 to Rs 20000

Sofa set -- Rs. 6000 to Rs 25000

Gold ornaments -- chain 1 tola (Rs 7000), the price increases with the volume of gold

Bracelet -- From Rs 14,000 upto Rs 35,000

Suit pieces cost thousands of rupees

Vehicles include motorbike (costing upto one hundred thousand rupees) to Maruti (costing six to sixteen hundred thousand rupees)

‘Dowry Does Not Guarantee Success Of Marriage’

— Dr. Rishi Keshab Raj Regmi

Dr. Rishikeshab Raj Regmi is head of department of sociology and anthropology at Kirtipur Campus. Regmi - an anthropologist - spoke to KESHAB POUDEL on various social issues. Excerpts:

How do you find the present wedding system in the country?

It has been changing and now there are different kinds of marriage including court marriage, arranged marriage and inter-caste marriage. Emergence of new economic system paved way for the change. Corruption has also changed the value system and the pattern of society. Due to accumulation of illegal money, some section of people do not hesitate to present large sum of money as gift. Others, in their bid to satisfy ego, follow similar trend. If you look at the micro level, it has some economic advantage also.

What is your observation about value system?

Because of diversification of population, our society does not have dowry system in general but even people from hilly regions are now adopting the practice of dowry. Our value system is degrading. Our value system has devalued also due to the over reach of mass media.

How do you look at the system of presenting gifts?

Initially, the trend to present gift was motivated by love and affection for daughters. But due to pressures the institution of marriage has sufferred. Marriage is a divine and sacred institution.

Can dowry guarantee the success of marriage?

I don't think so. There are many cases of broken marriages. Giving large sum of donations is just an exhibition of hollow pride. Marriage is an institution to create family. Our religion and culture does not say anything about presenting gifts and dowry.

How is the level of awareness among people regarding such social distortions?

The level of awarness is very low. Although there are so many NGOs, none has done anything concrete to raise public awareness about these things.

‘I Am Worried About Growing Expenses In Marriage’

— Surendra Maharjan

Surendra Maharjan, 30, runs a computer center in Kalimati. His wedding is scheduled for February 21 but already he sports a worried look thinking about the expenditure he will have to incur. Maharjan spoke to SPOTLIGHT on various issues of marriage in Nepalese society. Excerpts:

Is this the right time to marry?

I am already past the average marrying age of Nepalese. I think it is best to marry at around 25 years of age as there are many disadvantages of late marriage. Had I married earlier, I would already have grown up children.

What do you say about expenses in marriage?

I am very worried about the growing expenses in marriage. I don't think it is affordable for ordinary people. It is so difficult to make money yet you just spend it overnight during weddings. I don't want to spend huge amount of money in my marriage but I am compelled to spend it since I don't want to loose my social status.

Have you made any demands for dowry with your would-be bride?

No, I haven't demanded any kind of gift. I want to reform the present dowry system. Also I wouldn't want to give dowry in my sister's wedding.

Don't you think that marriages can be made simple and affordable affair?

Yes, we can do it but what is required is negotiations and consultations among the family members of both the bride and groom before fixing marriage. I believe in simple marriage ceremony where brides and grooms share their affection and faith not money and gift.

How much money are you planning to spend in your wedding?

I am spending Rs. 500,000. It is very nominal compared to others. Again it is the social compulsion.

Why, you don't seem to beleive on your own stand?

Yes, you are right but I am very depressed and I have to take stock of my social surroundings.

Social Ritual Reform Act 1976

This act was promulgated to restrict wasteful expenses in social activities and competition among people. It will be implemented through out the Kingdom.

According to the Act, Social rituals denote marriage, bratabandha (initiation), pasni, nwaran (name giving ceremony), birthday and other ceremonies performed to appease ancestors.

The Act defines close relatives as those related within four generations of mother and father, sister-in-law, mother-in-law, father-in-law, cousin, uncle, niece, nephews and aunt.

Clause 3 of the Act restricts dowry and terms it illegal. According to the Act, those who violate this clause may be fined Rs 12,000 and could be imprisoned for 30 days. Clause 4 says brides' or grooms' family cannot seek additional benifits.

The Act also restricts number of invitees. According to Clause 7, only 51 people can be invited in marriage procession along with 11 bandmen.