With malice to none
Nepal's views on "Potato" cultivation in a "Terrorized and Globalized" world

One "Timbuctoo" island nation recently invited the Nepal government to deliver a lecture on the topic of "Potato cultivation in the terrorized globalising world".

The Nepali cabinet decided that since the topic was a serious one and hence the nation's prime minister be sent to deliver the lecture on a topic that had global implications.

On the agreed date the Nepali prime minister left for the said island nation which no body knew where it was located. Any way, the prime minister left and was warmly received by his counterpart there.

On the scheduled date the meeting began and when Nepal's turn came on alphabetic order, our Prime Minister stood up from his VIP chair and proceeded towards the platform. But then, when he approached the mike and searched the text to be spelt out, his face reddened. The fact of the matter was that he had left the text in the hands of the bureaucrat who was effecting certain corrections. The Prime Minister returned to his allotted seat and took the text and assured himself that it could be well traced at time of making the speech.

The Prime Minister began his speech, which ran like this:

Greetings to you all from the land of the Everest. Everest is a mountain that has given us both name and fame. One can make assaults on Everest from neighboring China as well. China is a country where Chairman Mao-Ze-Dung was born and the Nepali Maoists appear to have been tempted by his "theories"'. This clearly means that we are close neighbors.

Coming back to today's topic, all that I wish to inform you is that potato is very popular food in my country. Whether it is a lunch, brunch or supper, we all take it on a regular basis. I am thinking to enact a law that forces all the Nepalese to consume potato three times a day.

Mr. Chairman! When I was myself a child, I used to enjoy potato like what the civilized world now enjoys barbecue. It has a superb taste indeed.

Famous satirist Bhairab Aryal was so fascinated by the extensive use of potato in Nepali houses that he penned a long article highlighting the positive points of a potato. I liked his article on potato.

Mr. Chairman! The production of potato has suddenly declined in the recent years in my country. The reasons behind this is very simple. IN all practically potato growing land, the Maoists have their clandestine concentration. This has panicked the local farmers and now they appear reluctant in cultivating their own land for potato production. It is in this light I seek the assistance of the " globalised world" in supplying us with the required tonnage of potato which we now lack due to the Maoists terror.

Mr. Chairman! If the fear of the Maoists is one feature of the declining potato production in Nepal, equally true is the imposition of the state of emergency in the country. The effect of the state of emergency has been that the farmers do not wish to go out from their respective districts to sell their products out of fear. This means that their produce has no buyers and hence they have abandoned potato cultivation altogether. This is very dangerous symptom. Upon my return to Kathmandu, I will personally request the Maoists leaders to allow the production to find its way into the markets.

Prachanda, I am told, is very fond of Indian potato. However, I can't say about Dr. Bhattarai.

Mr. Chairman! Globalization and potato are interlinked. In my opinion, the men advocating globalization too use potato in their lunch and dinners. Some men at my own ministry have told me that it is equally true with the WTO advocators. When you like, I like, and all others like in the globe, it is a globalization process. The potato thus already has been globalised. We must tell the men in the globalization to honor potato as it is this potato that has brought us all to this Shangri-La-Island or else we would not have seen this beautiful land. Thanks potato!

Mr. Chairman! It is this potato and its related conference that was held some decades back in yet another beautiful country where Nepali delegation was sent to address the conference but the whole team was found missing. The intelligence of the host country some how or the other could trace the whereabouts of the Nepali delegation. They were found, Mr. Chairman, at some massage parlors of the host country. This is a very common phenomenon in my country. Take it easy. I hope you too have come across with such incidents.

Finally Mr. Chairman! I have brought a few tones of Nepali potato to be distributed among the participants so that you all could test the taste of the Nepali potato.

I wish the conference a resounding success. I thank you all for your Himalayan patience in having stayed with me for all along these forty-five boring minutes. I would have talked to you more on the topic but I have some shopping as Durga Puja festivals are round the corner.

Durga puja is one such Nepali festival that unites us all. Some kill buffaloes. Some slaughter the he-goats. Those who don't have the monetary capabilities, enjoy with what is for them in the Television pictures.

Coming on Television, Mr. Chairman! minister Gupta has recently replaced D.N.Sharma with T.N.Shukla. Mr. Shukla, for your record, has served the NTV for well over decades as General Manager. For your information, the GM post is usually given to one who is supposedly close to the concerned minister and is fond of eating potato. Nepal is the one and the only one country in this globalised world Mr. Chairman where the national media are government controlled. We dictate, maneuver and censor the news.

I am sorry that I became sentimental and the speech got stretched enough. Most of the Nepali leaders thus stretch their lectures. We all are expert in making lectures. Thank you Mr. Chairman. But where are you Mr. Chairman? I see no body in the chair!

That's all Mr. Chairman. See you all soon Mr. Chairman.

Last but not the least, we have different types of potato. We have named some varieties of potato in the names of towering personalities like GP, KP, BP, and NP. The first letters denote their respective names and the letter P definitely stands for potato. We plan to dismantle our industries so that in the area covered by those industrial complexes, we will grow potato and export it to the outside world. Thus we will make it global and the purpose of globalization will be served. I wish to meet this Mr. Globalization. I am excited to see him in person. What a charming personality he would be about whom the whole world talks about.

(The speech concluded. Participants got confused listening to the Nepali views but yet had to clap as per the rules. The speech that was globally televised got appreciation from its Nepali viewers. The nation lauded the efforts of the Prime Minister in enhancing the sinking image of the nation. ).

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