With malice to none
Talk programs on "globalization" and "free toilet" services

(This write up has nothing to do with reality or whatsoever. This piece has only been penned thinking what would happen if such events really happened in our society. My intention is not to malign any Nepali authority if they feel that they were very close to the story printed below. These were all imaginary and better take it as a comedy –Upadhyaya).

It so happened that an illiterate young man belonging to a very remote district of Nepal got election ticket. Since the party claimed to have democratic credentials, the voters of that area preferred this young man to be sent to the parliament as their representatives. There was yet another reason for the people to vote for him. The man prior to the election day went to see his voters and told them point blank that if they did not vote in his favor, he will bring in about disaster in their respective houses. The people, perhaps more of fear, voted in favor of the young man rather than the party which had allowed him to contest the elections.

The young man entered the parliament. Since his party was in majority so it was his party's government in the country.

One fine evening his half literate wife seduced and pressed him to become a minister.

Wife: Don't behave like a dull lawmaker. You must try for a berth in government.

Husband: But why should the prime minister select me? You know that I'm an illiterate one.

Wife: The beauty of democracy is that it even digests illiterate ones like you my darling!

Husband: But tell me if I were a minister, how then would I make lectures and that too extempore?

Wife: Leave it to me. I will prepare your text. All that you have to do is to tell me in advance as to on what/which topic you need to lecture.

Husband: That's like a good girl.

So what was decided in between the two is that the husband will see the prime minister next morning and seek a berth in the already jumbo cabinet. It was also decided between the newly wed couple that should the Prime Minister reject his proposal, the husband will serve an ultimatum to the latter hinting that he would support the formers' detractors. Should the prime minister still dilly-dally his request, he would threaten the former with his "muscle power".

Both slept dreaming a dramatic change in their future life that was almost at their doorsteps.

Next morning the husband approaches the Prime Minister.

PM: What brings you gentleman here early morning?

Lawmaker: Well Sir! I have come to tell you that I too need a berth in the cabinet.

PM: But that is already a jumbo sized! How can I irritate the Opposition and the common laymen ?

Lawmaker: That's your problem. All that I need is a berth in the cabinet. My wife has told me not to speak more than this.

PM: Should I take this as a threat?

Lawmaker: It is up to you to take as you wish.

PM: Suppose I reject your threat if it were a threat?

Lawmaker: I will instantly the support group of the Broader Democratic Alliance and you know this BDA is already collecting signatures for your ouster.

PM: Is it that?

Lawmaker: Hundred percent sure.

The Prime Minister asks his wife to bring one calculator so that he could confirm the number of the men in the cabinet and could calculate the money that the national exchequer would have to borne if this lawmaker were to be given a berth.

The young lawmaker is given a berth and is declared that he is the minister without portfolio.

The newly wed couple celebrates the occasion. The minister joins the ministry next morning.

It so happened that the day he joined the ministry he was invited for two different functions. The minister is invited for the next day to share his remarks on "globalization" and comment on the "opening up of free toilet services" in Kathmandu.

Later in the evening, a era frightened minister talks to his half-literate wife about the topics on which he has to make comments next day. The wife prepares the lecture and instructs her husband that the left pocket will contain the lecture on globalization and the right pocket his speech on toilet services.

On time he reaches the venue of the seminar where he is to deliver his keynote address on globalization. The organizers greet him .The master of ceremony then ask the minister to share his ideas. A nervous minister inserts his left hand into the right pocket and begins reading the prepared text on "globalization".

The text ran like this.

I'm happy that you invited me here. In fact we in the villages do not have such facilities. We in effect have to walk a comfortable distance with LOTA and defecate (evacuating the bowls). In the process we prefer a bush where no body could see you. The entire process takes some ten to twenty to twenty five minutes. Time consumption might differ from personality to personality. For me, it is two to five minutes.

It is a good news that from today the Kathmandu city dwellers will have an opportunity to enjoy this facility which they were denied all along the Panchayat ear. Thanks the democratic system that we could offer you all this rare and very important facility. Ask a person who wishes to make water while walking in Kathmandu streets. You do not have even bushes here. It is really unfortunate. We must come together and plant bushes that will later assist the men in need. You got the point. I wish the seminar a success".

Listening to the entirely unexpected content of the ministerial lecture the organizers took to their heels. What was left there was only the microphone and nothing else.

Like wise in the after noon the minister had to attend the talk Programme on free toilet services in Kathmandu. The minister approaches the venue and brings out the written text from his left pocket.

The text begins:

Well dear friends! My first lecture this morning stunned the audience for unknown reasons. Perhaps they had not heard of such weighty lectures. I thank them all who benefited from my written text this morning.

Well! When I was in school, I had seen the "globe". Perhaps it was in the history class that we were briefed about this rounded structure. It could be turned for minutes and minutes. I could see the globe turning with practically all the countries in it. I think the term globalization should have some links with the turning of the globe. Globe, global and finally globalization are the three faces of the same coin. Let others talk of globalization. We must talk of "privatization" of the China built factories. This gives immense benefit who initiates the process. I think privatization is more important than globalization.

I would give you one fine example what is globalization all about. It so happened that one friend of mine left his home when he was quite young. People in the village even forgot his being in the world. But thanks the Almighty, and perhaps globalization, he could return to his home village after a lapse of some twenty years. Had not been the globe round, how come the missing friend could return to his village?

Finally, I would modestly request the organizers that if they meet "globalization" in Kathmandu, please inform me so that I too could see him in person. If budget allows my ministry, I wish to throw a reception in honor of "globalization"'. I can't imagine what a personality he would have?

All the best to you all. I really appreciate your Himalayan patience that you waited to listen to my internal feelings".

A sort of panic prevailed in the camps of the organizers of the two separate functions.. The chairmen of the globalization and free toilet services committee, I'm told, have already resigned and have promised not to work in any NGO or for that matter INGOs for obvious reasons.

Later in the evening, the minister gets a call from the PMO. The press secretary of the PM congratulates the minister for his two "illuminating" speeches.

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